the bloody english and their euros at 11:06 AM

i tried a new coffee yesterday: rainforest nut. it didn't taste like either the rain forest or any kind of nut. someone needs to be held accountable. i also tried that god-awful gas-station made-from-powder cappuccino a while ago because it said it was "reeses peanut butter cup flavored" and i have been waiting for peanut butter flavored coffee my whole life. again. someone needs to be tarred and feathered. if reeses peanut butter cups now taste like a scorched car tire, then yes, it was reeses peanut butter cup flavored.

i got rid of the euro!!! i was at the convenience store and the total of my goodie stash came out to like $11.33 or something so i fished in my pocket and had two pennies and the euro. i gave it to the cashier trying to hide the euro under the two pennies and i felt like a criminal. i was expecting her to look at the change and say "hey hey hey!!! what kind of crap are you trying to pull here?" but she didn't....so i grabbed my bag and rushed to the door and even then i expected some alarm to go off and big burly men to come out of nowhere and cart me off to prison. then my un-cool friend didn't get it when i jumped in the car and yelled "DRIVE LOUISE!!! DRIVE!!!" so yeah, i would make a lousy thief. #1 i would rat anybody out if it meant keeping me out of the slammer and #2 if a cop were to pull me over for speeding or my taillight was out...he'd just be walking to my window and i'd scream "it was me!!! it was me!!! i confess!!! i robbed that bank!! being on the run is killing me! i haven't eaten, i haven't slept, i can't think, i'm a nervous wreck!! my life is going down the tube ever since i did it!!!!!" and he would say "uh, maam, your taillight is out....and that bank robbery only happened ten minutes ago." ..... long story short, i paid one less cent for my stuff but the anxiety wasn't nearly worth it.

see? looks just like a penny. but it's lighter. still, i won't be doing that again. my heart can't take it.

it's meme time at 4:38 AM

meme:

01. My uncle once: pee'd in my other uncles shed because he was drunk and thought it was an outhouse.
02. Never in my life: will i swim in the ocean.
03. When I was five: i kissed a girl for the first time.
04. High school was: me sitting at a lunch table by myself because no one wanted to catch the lesbian disease.
05. I will never forget: that when i finally had a real kiss with a girl for the first time i was like: meh.
06. Once I met: that guy from the breakfast club...the teacher dude. they were filming johnny be good at our high school. and my slutty friend slept with that dorky blond guy....um anthony somethingorother.
07. There’s this girl I know: who doesn't like her personal business splattered all over the internet so i'm not gonna tell you what i know about her.
08. Once, at a bar: i had to use the mens bathroom and it was a gay bar so man bits were flying around everywhere. i've learned my lesson.
09. By noon, I’m usually: drinking my 4th cup of coffee and starting to feel jittery.
10. Last night: at a bar some woman who looks like she normally goes around wearing a tool-belt came up to me and said "hey, what are you doin' talkin' to my chick?" really? talkin' to your chick? lord.
11. If only I had: tilda swintons phone number.
12. Next time I go to church: i will be in a box. and wearing a frilly nightgown i'm sure.
13. What worries me most: is that i will somehow be forced to swim in the ocean. or a cockroach will fall out of the sky and land on my head.
14. When I turn my head left I see: denise.
15. When I turn my head right I see: a banana peel that denise has left on the table.
16. You know I’m lying when: i add way too many details in my answers.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: silver highlighter markers.
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: juliet, but i'd be after desdemona. romeo was obviously in love with mercutio anyway.
19. I have a hard time understanding: why people don't use the amazing minds we've been given to judge whether a person should be hated or not and instead let some book written thousands of years ago do it for them.
20. If I ever go back to school: i will seduce a teacher.

turning over a new fat leaf at 4:06 AM

happy new year everyone!!!!

it's official, the year of the ox has commenced. it's gonna take a while for me to stop writing "year of the rat" on stuff.

i never ever make new years resolutions because...well, i'd never keep them and who needs unnecessary disappointment in their life? but this year i'm turning over a new leaf...i have made new years resolutions and i intend to stick to them:

1. gain weight.
2. exercise less.
3. drink more coffee.
4. spend more time on internet writing about icons and drag queens.

i figure why make resolutions you can't keep? make yourself feel better and commit to something you're good at.

and with those resolutions signed, sealed and delivered, i am off to bed....

nothing like a good pair of hot pink daisy dukes at 1:09 PM

i just saw a guy in the parking lot of the local supermarket wearing very tight, very short pink shorts and a fur coat. i'd really love to hear his life story.

he reminded me of 2 other characters i see all the time, one is this very tall drag queen that frequents a shopping center near my grandmas house. he/she is always wearing a coat, doesn't matter if it's 95 or 55 degrees out.... his wig is always crooked and always dirty and he walks really fast while talking to himself. i never get too near her/him. i don't know what scares me most, that his lipstick is the brightest shade of pink i've ever seen or that he/she always seems to be walking across the parking lot screaming with an empty shopping cart in tow.

the other is this guy near my moms house...... he rides his bike up and down the main street my mom lives on...from one highway loop to the other... about a 7 mile stretch in total. you'll never miss him, if you're on that street, he's on it too... he just rides up and down all day long collecting junk. i guess he sells the stuff he picks up but i think it's cute that he also picks up trash. you know napkins, old cigarette packs, soda cups stupid people throw out of their windows.... it's the cleanest stretch of road in san antonio. he also found a naked, partially dead woman on the side of the road once and was interviewed on tv.... the girlish voice took me aback but you could tell he is sorta slow. made me wanna hug him. i now wave at him every time i see him. he makes me happy.

ganymede on loan at 12:52 PM

it's going to be 83 degrees today. 83!!! that's only 7 degrees away from 90!!! and 90 degrees is only 10 degrees away from 100 degrees, so it's basically gonna be 100 degrees today.....100 degrees the day after christmas......stinking, hot, hell hole. at least yesterday there were cookies and presents to keep your mind off of the fact that even the birds were walking around with wet washcloths on their foreheads. i suppose i put up with the heat because of things like this morning. i went to the store and as i was walking in a guy held the door open for me and when i thanked him he said "yes, ma'am" and tipped his cowboy hat at me. where else but texas would that happen? i've lived on both the west and east coasts and i can assure you nothing like that ever happened there. in california you're lucky if the cashier doesn't give you a nasty look when you go to pay for your m&m's because you're interrupting her phone call. there is such a thing as too nice though....there's this one woman at a gas station i go to often and the woman at the cash register always calls me "baby".....she's plump, has hair like clark gable and smells like moth-balls...every time she calls me baby i feel a little violated. there's also a guy at another store i go to that always gives me free coffee....i suppose i should tell him he's barking up the wrong tree but hey free coffee is free coffee....

my batty old aunt thought there were two moons out yesterday. she was too busy yapping to notice that the road curved and when she looked out of the window of the car she saw the moon on the other side of the window and actually said "look! the moon moved! it was over by the h-e-b and now it's on this side! or is there two moons? maybe there's two moons tonight." yes, tía, the governor ordered two moons today because it's christmas but we'll have to return it to jupiter tomorrow because it's a little expensive to rent a moon. .......if i had told her that, she would have bought it, but i was too busy trying to recite the preamble to the constitution in my head to drown out her and my mom arguing about who is fatter than who.

it's a dead dog kind of christmas at 2:04 AM

jeez christmas sucked this year.

1. i didn't get to see my brother because he's all born-again and stuff.
2. i had to pick up my mom to take her to my brothers and as usual she wanted to be picked up 4 hours before the party started.
3. my mom decides she just has to go to the grocery store on christmas eve in the bad part of town to get some crap she could have bought at the convenience store so i have to sit in the parking lot for 40 minutes.
4. i missed the rudolph the red-nosed reindeer special.
5. it was near 80 degrees.
6. i only had 3 hours of sleep.
7. my cousins daughter was drinking a margarita tonight which means she's over 21 which means i'm old because i used to baby-sit her.
8. no menudo.
9. my finger is broke.
10. i saw a dead dog on the road.

hope everyone else had a wonderful cold-healthy-fingered-restful-dead-dogless christmas!!!!!

i'm not too miffed, new years is coming up, new years is the "get sloppy drunk holiday" that's when i shine.

organic shmorganic at 8:24 AM

i broke my finger this weekend. well, it's not like broken off, i still have it, and it's not really broken-broken, just has a little teeny fracture in it but i'm gonna milk it for all it's worth. i may resort to using crutches. and just randomly asking for sponge baths. who knows, someone might take the bait..... i blame it all on my friend edna. "let's go rollerblading" she says. "it'll be fun" she says......yeah, yeah, it's all fun and games until someone breaks a hip. and i'm not entirely sure i didn't break my hip. or cracked my pelvis. and i need my pelvis, know what i'm sayin'? *groucho marx eyebrow wiggle* i hadn't skated since i was ten and that was with the more stable old-school 4-corner wheeled skates and even then my primary braking system was to grab on to someone and if i was going too fast then aiming for someone and taking them down with me so they could break my fall..... so 5 minutes. 5 minutes is all it took for me to make a complete ass of myself. i rollerbladed. i fell. i got up. i rollerbladed. i fell. done. i only needed five minutes of that to remember i'm old and brittle and that our time would be much better spent at the bar guzzling margaritas. it's the natural order of things. we're mexican, we don't rollerblade, we drink. so we drank. .....where we watched some woman try to throw a drink in a guys face but it was a frozen margarita so it just sorta plopped on the table. GIN AND TONIC LADY!! gin and tonic is the way to go if you wanna throw a drink in someone's face!

organic shmorganic, all i want to know is can i eat the whole box and not gain weight? come up with that nabisco. who cares about organic flour???? organic fat looks just the same as .....um, well, the-opposite-of-organic fat.